How to Give a Hate-Filled Blow Job – Sex Fails (feat. Rosebud Baker)

How to Give a Hate-Filled Blow Job – Sex Fails (feat. Rosebud Baker)


I’m Rosebud Baker and this is the story of how I learned to
give the perfect hate blowjob. I grew up reading
Cosmo articles. I don’t know
who writes these articles. But they write
about giving blowjobs like they’re locked
in a basement and they got suck
their way out. How to blow his [bleep]
and his mind at the same time. They make it very complicated.
Rub his calves. Gently stroke their hair
like their mother used to. Have you ever
actually given one? Reach up to his nipples.
It’s truly unnecessary. I can’t reach his nipples.
Adjust his spinal alignment, even though you’re all the way
down and [bleep] Town. They don’t have
realistic expectations of what
the human body’s capable of. Compliment him.
You need words of affirmation. I’m already sucking you off. If I’m blowing you,
you know I like you. Make sure you make eye contact.
It increases their pleasure. Rosebud Baker:
If you’re getting a blow job and you’re a dude, look at her.
Okay, look at what she’s doing. Don’t make her look at you
because it’s truly … I have looked cuter
taking a shit. I reached a point
in my sexual evolution where I said [bleep] it.
I give up. There’s too much
information here. I can’t. He’s lucky I’m down there
in the first place. We’re doing you a favor. I was in a full
blown relationship with a guy for four years. I’m down there.
I’m kind of licking. I’m kind of fiddling around
with his nuts, was the laziest blow job ever. I’m doing what I got to do until
we can start to get me off. He picked up on that. To his credit,
this was going on a lot longer than it took him
to say something. In the middle of a blow job
one day in the mid afternoon, which is a nice time
to give a blow job by the way because I’m busy, he asked me, “What’s your goal?
What is your goal right now?” Rosebud Baker:
I fully stopped and had an existential crisis.
I don’t know. Because I didn’t. I fully didn’t know and it
was really just to be like, “Hey, I’m down here. I’m doing this
until you actually [bleep] me.” I was embarrassed.
But let me tell you something. I’m not a loser.
The only thing that I dislike more than blow jobs
is criticism. Suddenly, I had a goal
and it was to prove him wrong about everything
he’s ever thought about my ability
to suck him off. I will pick myself up
and get you off so that I can feel better
about myself. So I hit the books. I went
to grad school for blowjobs. I watched so many porns.
I took notes. I took notes. I watched actual
instructional videos of women who can only be described as
Olympic level oral sex athletes, I mean, high art heroes
in the art of sucking [bleep]. Rosebud Baker:
You have to have three tongues to do the things
that they were doing. Mesmerizing.
It was a ballet of the mouth and I started studying it
and I learned the moves. Honestly, I got
insanely good at it. You could tie my hands behind
my back, I’m like a cobra. I went back
to my boyfriend. I’m going to be
Floyd Mayweather down there. I’ll take my time. But I’m going to get
the job done. I had a level of passion that
I’ve never really had before. It wasn’t coming
from a place of love. I got great
at giving a blow job. But I was hate blowing.
My ex didn’t expect any of this. He was walking into it like,
“Eh, let’s see what happens,” and truthfully, I was masterful.
I deserve a medal. Rosebud Baker:
I got him off within five seconds. Not five seconds, but I got
them off within five minutes. I know he wasn’t expecting it
because he made a mess. It was in my eye. I walked around
half blind for a day. But I did see
my full potential. I have to say, after putting
in all of this work, all of this time,
all this effort, yeah, it’s still not worth it. At the end of the day,
him coming, yeah. Good for him.
But I want compliments. If you’re not a woman
that gets psyched about someone else’s pleasure,
if you’re a selfish woman, turns out if you want
to give a great blow job, you got to come from a place of,
“I’m going to get you off and suck the entitlement
right out of your body,” and that’s what they
should write in Cosmo.

53 thoughts on “How to Give a Hate-Filled Blow Job – Sex Fails (feat. Rosebud Baker)

Leave a Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *