Going to Chuck E. Cheese on Acid & A Tax for Hot People – This Week at the Comedy Cellar

Going to Chuck E. Cheese on Acid & A Tax for Hot People – This Week at the Comedy Cellar


(crowd laughing softly) – I saw that we decriminalized weed in New York. (crowd whistles and cheers)
(clapping) I do feel like, though, we should stop calling olive weed, weed. (crowd laughing) And now we have like eight levels of weed deeper than anyone
has ever had before. That needs a new name. You know, like, my friend took an edible, and then just leaned in
the corner for 30 minutes (crowd laughing) because he thought he was
a glass of orange juice (loud laughter) and he didn’t wanna spill himself. That is not weed, sir. (crowd laughs) – I used to be a pothead. I used to smoke weed
all day, every day, and I beat weed, I won and (mild laughter) my prize is I’m 37 and I have roommates, so kind of a shitty prize. (crowd laughs) Nobody’s gonna ever tell you
that you have a weed problem. Your rock bottoms are way different. My rock bottom with alcohol, very obvious, like, sixth arrest, I tried to fight the cops, I didn’t have pants on. I was like, “I gotta get my life together. “I gotta “get some pants if I’m ever gonna defeat these cops.” (crowd laughs) Your rock bottom with weed is just like, one day you eat all the Parmesan cheese. (crowd laughs) And you’re like, “I gotta
get my life together, “and get more Parmesan cheese.” (crowd laughs) My roommate is a pothead. He asked me one night, he’s like, “Do you, do you like the Grateful Dead?” And I was like, “No.” (crowd laughs) And he was like, “Well have
you ever seen them live?” (mild laughter) I’m like, “Why the (beep)
would I see them live, (crowd laughs loudly) “if I don’t like them?” He’s like, “You gotta
see ’em live, dude, you “gotta see ’em live.” I’m like, “Why, because you get (beep) up “and go see them live? “I’d rather drop acid and
go to Chuck E. Cheese.” (crowd laughs) Have you ever been to
Chuck E. Cheese on acid? Have you ever seen that band live? (crowd laughs) You haven’t lived ’till you
see a rat rip a guitar solo. I’ll tell you what – no, no, I’m going all in on this one. (crowd laughing) – I think I have a plan
that could fix this country. I think that we should have a tax that’s just for hot people, you know. If you’re super hot, I
think you should have to pay an extra tax. ‘Cause I don’t think anybody
would be mad, you know. Like, if you got a letter in the mail that was like, “You have
to pay the hot people tax,” (mild laughter) you’d be be like, “Oh, hell yeah, alright, (crowd laughing) ‘Bout time! (laughter) ‘Bout time the government saw what I was doing out here! (crowd laughing) – I love watching “The Bachelorette”. I love watching people
more miserable than I am. It feels so good. (crowd laughs softly) I just can’t believe how many of these people still wanna get married. All my friends are married
and most of them go on date night, aww, isn’t that cute when married people go on date night? It means they’re having problems. (crowd laughs) Do you know how you
know dating is more fun than being married? People who date don’t have
married night (chuckles). (crowd laughs)
Um… – The study out this week says that garbage TV actually
lowers people’s IQs, which really did cheer me up, ’cause I thought intelligence was largely hereditary but now I know that fans
of “The Bachelor” get what they deserve. (cheering)
(laughing) And the study also said
that people who booed at that joke are stupid. (crowd laughs) (laughter) It’s almost like they don’t
know it’s a comedy show. You know? (crowd laughs loudly) It’s been so hot. I feel like this is the kind of weather that will like, force
you to love yourself. (mild giggling) You know what I mean? Like, sometimes when I
be goin’ out, I be like, “Oh, I wanna look better,
I’m gonna put on spanks.” But in this weather, I
be like, “You know what? “This is the body God gave me, this is– (crowd laughs) “Makeup? M-m. This is my
face, this is the face, that God wanted me to show the world. “Who am I– (crowd laughs) Who am I to mock the Lord, who I am I?” (crowd laughs) I live with a millennial. Pray for me. (crowd laughs) My brother is 15 years younger than me. He moved in with me. Every day, I wish I dropped him. (crowd laughs) (she laughs quietly) Every day he makes me feel
like I’m a bad person, right? He’s always checking me about things that I didn’t know were now out of Vogue. One day he walks in, we’re
having a conversation. He’s just like, “I’m going to
this bar around the corner.” And I know that this bar is
a gay bar, so I was like, “Oh, look at you going to a gay bar, “that’s so progressive.” He goes, “Chloe, uh uh, uh uh, we don’t, we don’t say gay, anymore. “We say queer.” Now, I feel like a old
lady ’cause I grew up with queer being a derogatory term. You didn’t call somebody queer unless you was ready to fight. (crowd laughs softly) So now I’m, I’m , I’m puzzled, (crowd laughing softly) ’cause I’m looking at my 23
year-old millennial brother like, “W-w-w-where did you
broke mother (beep) get their “PR budget, (crowd laughing) (laughter) to spin this word around?” Do you understand? (crowd laughing) Another day he walks into the living room. He has on a peach T-shirt. He goes, “Chloe, what do
you think about this shirt? “Is it too feminine?” I’m like, “No, it’s a
regular peach T-shirt.” He goes, “Trick question, gender’s fluid.” (crowd laughing)
Get out of my house! – This kid won three million dollars in a FortNite
video game tournament, and I for one am just so happy to see that these suburban rich
white kids are finally getting their due. (crowd laughing) I mean, it’s about time. How are they gonna ever
move out of the cul de sac and get their own town home otherwise? (crowd laughs) They need this. (laughter) These kids are working (chuckling) hard. I saw this kid interviewed. “How did you win?” “Well, you just really gotta
put in the hours and grind.” That’s what he said, “You have to grind.” (laughter) That’s what he called (laughing), hiding out in his parents’
(giggling) basement, (laughter) live streaming on “Twitch”
and avoiding chores. (crowd laughs) – I think I might have
to be President some day. Who’s voting for me, anybody? (crowd cheers and claps)
Wow. A lot of winners here, tonight, a lot of winners here tonight. Any questions about my
presidential platform? Any issues, (laughter) you would like me to discuss? Any questions at all? – [Man In Crowd] Space Force. – Space Force. First of all, happy eighth Birthday. Great question. (crowd laughs loudly) (cheering) You know, we’re gonna, we’re gonna get you a dirt bike after the show, so, (crowd laughs) you and your buddies can have
great adventures all summer. We’ll, we’ll throw in a couple of walkie-talkies too, so you
could solve local mysteries in your town. (crowd laughing) I’ve been to every planet, dude. We don’t need a Space Force. It’s so boring out there. I was up Mars, last week. Hot, dry, dull. Matt Damon’s there,
all alone, hanging out, (laughter) it’s like, “Matt, not right now, dude. “I’ve gotta run.” (crowd laughs) (intense music)

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