Getting Broken Up With When You Have Food Poisoning – Josh Johnson

Getting Broken Up With When You Have Food Poisoning – Josh Johnson


– So I’m gonna
start off by saying I get broken up with
a lot, all right? Usually by text message. And just so you know,
if you do that, you’re bogus, all right? The most recent time
I got broken up with in a text message,
I had terrible food poisoning. All right, so I was at home
on the toilet dealing with
my food poisoning, okay? So I’m sitting there on
the toilet and my ankle buzzed. My ankle buzzed, sir,
’cause that’s where my phone is when it’s in my pocket and
my pants are down, all right? So my ankle was shaking,
so I had to answer my ankle. I don’t want you to be confused
going forward, okay? And I so I went in my ankle
and I answered it, flipping open my phone, ’cause that liberal arts
degree turned out real well. So I flipped open my phone,
read the text message, and it said,
“I don’t love you. “I don’t think
I ever loved you. “I don’t think I could
ever love you. It’s over.” – Damn.
[laughter] – Now I feel like
I’ve lost everything. ‘Cause not only do I have
terrible diarrhea, but a complete stranger
just broke up with me. This is a wrong number.
I don’t know who this is. But then I text her back like, “Baby, we can make this work.
All right, let’s–” I want to ask
you guys a question. You ever go see a horror movie that’s, like, about
a creepy kid? Like, the kid is haunted?
Like, little kid is possessed. Little kid, like, “Uh–”
Like that kid, like– Is it just me or
is that kid never black? Never, but here’s the thing.
I think I know why. ‘Cause a mom would
beat that out immediately. Like, it’d be like– if that were me in my house
being like, “Redrum, redrum, redrum,”
my mom would be like, “Where was that bass
during choir practice? “You want to get up in front
of people and act shaming, we need a scene
like that there.” Like, I don’t even think
a black mom would be scared. Like, she’d come home,
everything’s floating all “Poltergeist” style,
and she’s like, “Okay, okay, so you can make
everything float, “but you can’t clean that room? “You can’t clean that room?
No. “I’m gonna be in there
in five minutes to see who haunted, okay?” Guys, I’m Josh Johnson.
Thanks so much. You guys have a great night.

100 thoughts on “Getting Broken Up With When You Have Food Poisoning – Josh Johnson

Leave a Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *