Drunk History – James Cook Returns to Hawaii

Drunk History – James Cook Returns to Hawaii


AND GOES, LIKE,
HEY, EVERYBODY. I’M BACK. AND THEY’RE LIKE,
OH, YOU’RE–WHY ARE YOU BACK? COOK IS JUST LIKE,
NOW AS YOUR GOD, I DEMAND YOU TO FIX MY BOAT. MY BOAT GOT BROKE. NOW YOU GOT TO FIX MY BOAT.
FIX MY BROKE BOAT. AND SO EVERYBODY IN HAWAII
IS JUST LIKE, NO, BRAH. NOT EVEN. – LET’S DO A SHOT. – [laughs] LAUGH WITH ME. YOU’RE TRYING TO MAKE
A FOOL OF ME. BECAUSE I’VE SEEN THE SHOW. I KNOW HOW IT WORKS. – PERFECT. – SO COOK IS SAYING,
THAT’S REALLY WEIRD THAT THEY’RE NOT TREATING
THEIR GODS WITH RESPECT. AND THEN SO THE HAWAIIAN PEOPLE,
JUST KIND OF UPSET, STEAL SOME STUFF. CAPTAIN COOK
AND HIS MEN NOTICE IT. THEY’RE LIKE, HEY,
I THINK THIS STUFF WAS STOLEN. I THINK THEY STOLE IT. WE SHOULD PROBABLY,
UH, RETALIATE. AND CAPTAIN COOK GOES,
OH, NO, NO, NO. UNTIL YOU RETURN OUR STUFF AND FIX OUR BOAT, WE’RE GONNA TAKE YOUR CHIEF. AND THEY KIDNAPPED
KING KALANI’OPU’U. AND THIS IS WHERE THINGS
TAKE A TURN FOR THE WORST. HE WAS SAYING–HE’S LIKE,
ALL RIGHT. I’M GONNA TAKE THIS GUY
BACK TO THE BOAT. SHOW THEM HOW GNARLY
WE CAN GET. AT THAT POINT, ONE OF CAPTAIN
JAMES COOK’S MEN SHOOTS A KID, KALANI’OPU’U’S NEPHEW, AND EVERYONE LOSES IT. EVERYONE’S JUST LIKE,
WHAT THE [bleep]? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?
WHAT ARE YOU, WHITE? AND THEY START PICKING UP ROCKS
AND SPEARS AND PUMMELING CAPTAIN COOK
AND HIS MEN. IT’S–IT’S LIKE A MOSH PIT. COOK IS SAYING,
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? IT’S AT THIS MOMENT THAT I REALIZE THAT THEY
DON’T THINK WE’RE GODS. CLANK, CAPTAIN COOK GETS KILLED
IN THIS SITUATION. COUPLE OTHER JAMES COOK’S
SHIPMATES– – WHOOPSIE. – SHUT THE [bleep] UP. I DIDN’T REALIZE
HOW COMBATIVE THIS WOULD GET. – DEAL WITH IT. – AND THEN KALANI’OPU’U GOES,
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WAIT. EVERYONE CHILL OUT. EVERYONE’S LIKE,
ALL RIGHT, COOL. HE’S LIKE,
I LIKE THIS GUY. HE MESSED UP.
WE ALL DO. LET’S GIVE HIM
A PROPER HAWAIIAN BURIAL. WE’RE GONNA BURN HIS BODY, TAKE SOME OF THE BONES AND KEEP THEM FOR OURSELVES
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
THIS GUY SEEMS TO BE– HE HAS A LOT
OF STUFF GOING ON. BUT WE’RE GONNA GIVE THE REST
OF THE BODY BACK. AND SO THEY BURNED THE BODY,
AND HE SAYS, HERE. HERE’S THIS SACK OF– HERE’S THE SACK OF JAMES COOK. NO HARD FEELINGS. YOU UNDERSTOOD
HOW IT ALL WENT DOWN. HAVE FUN BACK IN ENGLAND. AFTER THAT,
HAWAII BECAME A PORT.

100 thoughts on “Drunk History – James Cook Returns to Hawaii

Leave a Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *